A little better..

I knew I was in a bad spot. I went to the doctor this week, hoping for some help. I've never been so lost. I've never been on any sort of medication. I see a grief counsoler, but that isn't enough to help me get through the day. My doctor prescribed xanix, and prozac. The prozac is for every day, an anti-depressent. The xanix is an as needed sorta thing. Like if I'm having a freak out, a panic attack, or I can't get to sleep. I'm hoping that it helps! I have a family to take care of, a house to clean, errands to run, a mama to love, a job to get to. I want the world to stop, but the truth is, it just doesn't. It goes on no matter how we feel about it. In order for me to get about my day, w/ all of the mundane, I need help. I know this isn't going to 'fix' me, or erase my sadness, but I'm sure hoping it'll make that first step out of bed in the morning, just a little easier.
I'm taking a nothing day tomorrow, and I can't wait! I'm staying in my pj's all day! My goal is to move as little as possible :) I'm turning off my phone, watching movies, and snuggling w/ my babes ALL DAY. AND I REFUSE, to feel guility about it. YES!!!!

I can't stand it.

Too much. I can't handle it. Hello nervous breakdown. I've been waiting for you. I want to quit today, just give up. I don't want to 'try'. Try to get through the day, try to put a smile on my face, pretend that its just a bit tough, but I'm going to be fine. I'm NOT fine, I'm not ok, and nothing will ever be right again. 'Hanging in there' doesn't cut it. I'm in agony! It feels as though the next loss, or diaster is just around the corner. So why try? One foot in front of the other, just a day at a time, fuck all of that. Nonsense. I don't want to mask my pain anymore to make sure I'm not making anyone else uncomfortable. And speaking of anyone, where are you?? I can't tell you how many times I've heard "i'm here for you if you need me, I can help you out, need and ear or a shoulder, I'm there" PSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHT. I am alone. I have my mama, but she's worse off than I am, and I cannot burden her w/ my grief. My husband is a man, no further explanation is neccesary. There is a lady I see, a grief counsoler, but I feel weird w/ her. I don't know anything about her, and it feels awkward to me to share w/ her this way. I am beyond myself w/ coping. I can't cope. I get up to bring my babes to school, and go back to bed as soon as I get home. I get up to pick them back up and bring them home. Then I go to work. I fake my smiles and hate my right now with each step I take. The next day, I repeat the process.
Losing my dad was horrific for me. Losing a grandpa hurt. Losing my step dad, unbelieveble! He wasn't supposed to go. He was 48, and healthy. He went to bed, and just never woke up. A friend passed away last week, at the age of 30. Cancer. I CAN'T FLIPPN' TAKE IT ANYMORE! I am out of my mind. I want to quit. To give up. To stop trying to get out of bed in the morning, and just stay put. I want to let the blackness that's been flittering around the corners of my mind take me. What is the point? As soon as my heart begins to heal, it'll just be re-broken. Such has been the pattern for the last year. Bullshit 'it'll get better'. It does NOT and HAS NOT going better. I'm one crack away from the looney bin.

More Loss

My step dad, Tony, passed away unexpectedly on Dec 31. Two daddy's, gone in 6 months.. A grandpa in Novemeber. A friend gone also too soon, this past Friday. Too much. I'm hurting. I'm a wreck. I'm not up to a long explanation of all that has happened these last few weeks, but will do so this week. I need to get it out.

Shit shit shit!

It is nearly 6, and I have friends coming over at 7... Guess what I have done? NOT A THING! Ha! Yep, house is a mess, I haven't cooked, I'm in my pj's, kids are unfed. Oops. Perhaps I should cancel??? Yikes! Need to power up and get shit done, like now! Wish me luck!

Dreams

I dreamt about my dad last night. It was upsetting....

I was in my grandma's house, which for some reason, happen to be mine. Chicken was over (my bff and SIL) w/ my nefew, and my kids were also running around. I had a 'feeling' that my dad was around.. I could sense him or something, and saw things around the yard that just had to be his, but I couldn't find him. Random dreamness continues... I walked around the corner of my house, outside of course, and there he was! Standing, handsome, healthy. I ran to him and wrapped my arms around his neck, crying, and sooooooooooooooooooo happy to see him, to hug him, feel his big strong solid form, and smell his special smell. He was the same. Well, when he was healthy. He felt the same, his laugh and smile were the same, the twinkle in his eye, all my daddy, and all there for me to cling to. I was ecstatic! But then, I got angry, super crazy angry. I started pounding on him w/ my fists, screaming, tears of anguish, and yelling "WHY DID YOU PRETEND TO DIE!? WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?! DO YOU KNOW HOW I'VE SUFFERED??!!! I LOVE YOU! I MISS YOU! YOU'VE BEEN HERE, ALL ALONG, YOU LEFT ME ALONE!!!!! WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?!!!?!!????" More screaming,crying, punching insued. Until this HUGE wolf, the exact colors of a skunk, came flying out the woods, teeth nashing, trying to eat my childern, my nefew, me and chicken. I ran around to the other side, to save my children (moments really).. when all was ok, I went back to talk to my dad. I had come to my senses. I didn't want to be angry. I wanted to talk to him, hold him, love him, talk to him...... but, he was gone. I couldn't find him again :( I woke up at that point, bawling. Sad, greiving, alone, in this world once again without him, and hurting like I did when he first passed. I cried all day today. Man, daddy, I miss you. I want so very much for you to come back again, if only in my dreams, where at least I can touch you, smell you, feel that all-consuming comfort, protection, safe. Safe. Loved. Warm. Feel like I'm still 4, and you're the only one in the world who can fix whatever it is that happens to be broken. I miss you so much. Days like today, I long for you. I feel so lost with out you.
I've been feeling like I'm moving forward with my grief process. That I'm ok, I'm going to be ok. I still have sad times, but it doesn't devistate me. Psssssssshhhhhhhhhhht. Then along come my dream, and here I am, in the throws of fresh grief, all over again. I just love you. I miss you. I miss your twinkle, your big belly laugh, your smell. Your funny crazy stories. Your wisdom. It was too soon for you to go. I wish you were still here. How desperately I want to talk to you! Hear you laugh.. I had a moment of panic recently. I couldn't remember the exact sound of your laugh. Thankfully, I heard it in my dream last night, yep that was it. A blessing! I don't want to forget. Miss you much daddy. Love you always.

I'm not witty enough for a title today.

Jade's fever was off and on this weekend. She seemed fine this morning, so I sent her off to school. When I picked her up, her teacher told me that she wasn't feeling well, again! I brought her in today, she has a double ear infection! A bad one! She hasn't complained about her ears hurting at all! Poor love :( Makes me feel like a shit mom. I should have brought her in sooner. Hoping those hefty antibotics will work their magic!
I went to the gym this morning. I didn't want to go, haven't been feeling motivated AT ALL. But I've been complaining plenty about the weight I've put on.. That chub isn't going to disappear all on its own. I did 2 ( i know right! WOW) classes this morning. I'm super proud of myself. I did cardio sculpt followed by pilates. I've never done pilates before. It doesn't look like much, but hot damn! I thought I was gonna puke for a minute!
The weekend was good. Work was outrageously busy! Next weekend is going to be busier-first weekend of Art Prize. People are going to be out in force. I'm not looking forward to getting my ass kicked, but the money will be nice :) We stayed at the cabin again this past weekend. We're getting alot done! I can't believe how much there is to do- and it's such a small place. I LOVE being there. We'll be up there this weekend as well. The long drive back and forth to work sorta sucks (45 min), but worth it. We have soooooooooooo much more to do before the snow comes.
It's my nephew's bday today. Big 4 year old!! My kids (minus Jade) can't wait to celebrate w/ him. Hoping for a nice night w/ hangin' out w/ the family.

I love you blogger.

I went back and read some of my posts from 4 years ago. I used to post daily- just about my everyday life as a stay at home mom. I'm glad I have it!! It's great. I really need to try to post more often :)

I started therapy last week. I'm hoping it will help me get over my grief. I'm still suffering, and crying regularly. My joy has disappered, and I can't wait to get it back. I want to be normal again!

I had breakfast w/ some friends this morning. So good to see them! I felt like a retard though, not having much to add to the conversation... Jade is sick :( At least I think so. She's been complaining of a headache/tummy aches since just before school got out. She's moaning quite a bit, and wants me next to her at all times. Poor babe! Whatever it is, I hope its gone soon!

I have shit tons of laundry to finish, grocery shopping to do, and I need to pack for the weekend. We're heading up to the cabin. I'll join my family after i get out of work tonight. Sort of hard to get anything done w/ a sad babes though. Here's to hoping my hubs won't kill me if I don't get it all done on time...