Dreams

I dreamt about my dad last night. It was upsetting....

I was in my grandma's house, which for some reason, happen to be mine. Chicken was over (my bff and SIL) w/ my nefew, and my kids were also running around. I had a 'feeling' that my dad was around.. I could sense him or something, and saw things around the yard that just had to be his, but I couldn't find him. Random dreamness continues... I walked around the corner of my house, outside of course, and there he was! Standing, handsome, healthy. I ran to him and wrapped my arms around his neck, crying, and sooooooooooooooooooo happy to see him, to hug him, feel his big strong solid form, and smell his special smell. He was the same. Well, when he was healthy. He felt the same, his laugh and smile were the same, the twinkle in his eye, all my daddy, and all there for me to cling to. I was ecstatic! But then, I got angry, super crazy angry. I started pounding on him w/ my fists, screaming, tears of anguish, and yelling "WHY DID YOU PRETEND TO DIE!? WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?! DO YOU KNOW HOW I'VE SUFFERED??!!! I LOVE YOU! I MISS YOU! YOU'VE BEEN HERE, ALL ALONG, YOU LEFT ME ALONE!!!!! WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?!!!?!!????" More screaming,crying, punching insued. Until this HUGE wolf, the exact colors of a skunk, came flying out the woods, teeth nashing, trying to eat my childern, my nefew, me and chicken. I ran around to the other side, to save my children (moments really).. when all was ok, I went back to talk to my dad. I had come to my senses. I didn't want to be angry. I wanted to talk to him, hold him, love him, talk to him...... but, he was gone. I couldn't find him again :( I woke up at that point, bawling. Sad, greiving, alone, in this world once again without him, and hurting like I did when he first passed. I cried all day today. Man, daddy, I miss you. I want so very much for you to come back again, if only in my dreams, where at least I can touch you, smell you, feel that all-consuming comfort, protection, safe. Safe. Loved. Warm. Feel like I'm still 4, and you're the only one in the world who can fix whatever it is that happens to be broken. I miss you so much. Days like today, I long for you. I feel so lost with out you.
I've been feeling like I'm moving forward with my grief process. That I'm ok, I'm going to be ok. I still have sad times, but it doesn't devistate me. Psssssssshhhhhhhhhhht. Then along come my dream, and here I am, in the throws of fresh grief, all over again. I just love you. I miss you. I miss your twinkle, your big belly laugh, your smell. Your funny crazy stories. Your wisdom. It was too soon for you to go. I wish you were still here. How desperately I want to talk to you! Hear you laugh.. I had a moment of panic recently. I couldn't remember the exact sound of your laugh. Thankfully, I heard it in my dream last night, yep that was it. A blessing! I don't want to forget. Miss you much daddy. Love you always.