Shit shit shit!

It is nearly 6, and I have friends coming over at 7... Guess what I have done? NOT A THING! Ha! Yep, house is a mess, I haven't cooked, I'm in my pj's, kids are unfed. Oops. Perhaps I should cancel??? Yikes! Need to power up and get shit done, like now! Wish me luck!

Dreams

I dreamt about my dad last night. It was upsetting....

I was in my grandma's house, which for some reason, happen to be mine. Chicken was over (my bff and SIL) w/ my nefew, and my kids were also running around. I had a 'feeling' that my dad was around.. I could sense him or something, and saw things around the yard that just had to be his, but I couldn't find him. Random dreamness continues... I walked around the corner of my house, outside of course, and there he was! Standing, handsome, healthy. I ran to him and wrapped my arms around his neck, crying, and sooooooooooooooooooo happy to see him, to hug him, feel his big strong solid form, and smell his special smell. He was the same. Well, when he was healthy. He felt the same, his laugh and smile were the same, the twinkle in his eye, all my daddy, and all there for me to cling to. I was ecstatic! But then, I got angry, super crazy angry. I started pounding on him w/ my fists, screaming, tears of anguish, and yelling "WHY DID YOU PRETEND TO DIE!? WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?! DO YOU KNOW HOW I'VE SUFFERED??!!! I LOVE YOU! I MISS YOU! YOU'VE BEEN HERE, ALL ALONG, YOU LEFT ME ALONE!!!!! WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?!!!?!!????" More screaming,crying, punching insued. Until this HUGE wolf, the exact colors of a skunk, came flying out the woods, teeth nashing, trying to eat my childern, my nefew, me and chicken. I ran around to the other side, to save my children (moments really).. when all was ok, I went back to talk to my dad. I had come to my senses. I didn't want to be angry. I wanted to talk to him, hold him, love him, talk to him...... but, he was gone. I couldn't find him again :( I woke up at that point, bawling. Sad, greiving, alone, in this world once again without him, and hurting like I did when he first passed. I cried all day today. Man, daddy, I miss you. I want so very much for you to come back again, if only in my dreams, where at least I can touch you, smell you, feel that all-consuming comfort, protection, safe. Safe. Loved. Warm. Feel like I'm still 4, and you're the only one in the world who can fix whatever it is that happens to be broken. I miss you so much. Days like today, I long for you. I feel so lost with out you.
I've been feeling like I'm moving forward with my grief process. That I'm ok, I'm going to be ok. I still have sad times, but it doesn't devistate me. Psssssssshhhhhhhhhhht. Then along come my dream, and here I am, in the throws of fresh grief, all over again. I just love you. I miss you. I miss your twinkle, your big belly laugh, your smell. Your funny crazy stories. Your wisdom. It was too soon for you to go. I wish you were still here. How desperately I want to talk to you! Hear you laugh.. I had a moment of panic recently. I couldn't remember the exact sound of your laugh. Thankfully, I heard it in my dream last night, yep that was it. A blessing! I don't want to forget. Miss you much daddy. Love you always.

I'm not witty enough for a title today.

Jade's fever was off and on this weekend. She seemed fine this morning, so I sent her off to school. When I picked her up, her teacher told me that she wasn't feeling well, again! I brought her in today, she has a double ear infection! A bad one! She hasn't complained about her ears hurting at all! Poor love :( Makes me feel like a shit mom. I should have brought her in sooner. Hoping those hefty antibotics will work their magic!
I went to the gym this morning. I didn't want to go, haven't been feeling motivated AT ALL. But I've been complaining plenty about the weight I've put on.. That chub isn't going to disappear all on its own. I did 2 ( i know right! WOW) classes this morning. I'm super proud of myself. I did cardio sculpt followed by pilates. I've never done pilates before. It doesn't look like much, but hot damn! I thought I was gonna puke for a minute!
The weekend was good. Work was outrageously busy! Next weekend is going to be busier-first weekend of Art Prize. People are going to be out in force. I'm not looking forward to getting my ass kicked, but the money will be nice :) We stayed at the cabin again this past weekend. We're getting alot done! I can't believe how much there is to do- and it's such a small place. I LOVE being there. We'll be up there this weekend as well. The long drive back and forth to work sorta sucks (45 min), but worth it. We have soooooooooooo much more to do before the snow comes.
It's my nephew's bday today. Big 4 year old!! My kids (minus Jade) can't wait to celebrate w/ him. Hoping for a nice night w/ hangin' out w/ the family.

I love you blogger.

I went back and read some of my posts from 4 years ago. I used to post daily- just about my everyday life as a stay at home mom. I'm glad I have it!! It's great. I really need to try to post more often :)

I started therapy last week. I'm hoping it will help me get over my grief. I'm still suffering, and crying regularly. My joy has disappered, and I can't wait to get it back. I want to be normal again!

I had breakfast w/ some friends this morning. So good to see them! I felt like a retard though, not having much to add to the conversation... Jade is sick :( At least I think so. She's been complaining of a headache/tummy aches since just before school got out. She's moaning quite a bit, and wants me next to her at all times. Poor babe! Whatever it is, I hope its gone soon!

I have shit tons of laundry to finish, grocery shopping to do, and I need to pack for the weekend. We're heading up to the cabin. I'll join my family after i get out of work tonight. Sort of hard to get anything done w/ a sad babes though. Here's to hoping my hubs won't kill me if I don't get it all done on time...

in hopes of riding my insomina...

I was so excited to go to bed last night. All the babes were tucked in, the house was quiet, and it was only 930! Perfect! I could get some much needed rest, or NOT. BOO! Couldn't sleep a wink! I was awake until 5-effing am! BLEH. So, in trying to avoid such nonsense from occuring again, I'm going to word puke. Hopefully my brain will spew out all that's in it, so I can rest, peacefully!

Lots of stuff going on this week. The loan came through for us, so we can buy my dad's house! YAY! When my parents were married, and I was young, they bought a cottage/cabin. An hour north of home, small place, no indoor plumbing, on a few acres. We spent all of our weekends there, and most of our summers. When my parents divorced, my dad decided that he was going to LIVE there, and let my mom keep our house. He never left. He put in plumbing, bathroom, re-did the inside w/ weathered barn wood. I have soooo many good memories from there. Not only of when we were still a family, but one on one time w/ my pops. I'm thrilled that we are going to keep it! At first, I was worried that I wouldn't be able to be there. That it would bring me more sadness than anything, with him gone. Hubs and I went to visit the week after dad died. It made me happy. I felt safe, warm, secure, and loved. I knew then that it would be great, that it would be, could be well. We are spending our first night up there tomorrow w/ our kids. I'm ecstatic, but a little nervous too. I haven't slept there in years, and never w/o my dad. I hope I still feel all of those warm fuzzies as I lie in bed there....

I had a falling out w/ a gf this week. Psht. Gay. She got WAY more out of a text that I had sent to her, than was really there. She didn't ask me about it - in fact she just plain wouldn't speak to me. She sent me an email saying she's done w/ me. Super, knock yourself out lady. I was there for you, and didn't do as you requested not only b/c I wasn't comfortable w/ it, but b/c I was worried about your name being dragged in the mud- I didn't want to do that, and wouldn't. But did you ask why? Did you answer my call so I could explain?? Nope. You just decided that you knew all about what was in my heart, why I chose as I did, what my thoughts were. I'm just not gonna do it. I'm not going to go out of my way to explain myself, or defend myself when you have already decided who I am. Are you wrong, hell yes! Am I going to fix it, and let you see how much of an ass you are?? Hell no. If you're always going to think the worst of me, you don't deserve me. It hurts a little. Not like it did the first time this sort of thing happened- that nearly ripped me in half, but this- not so bad. I understand now. Mistrust, anger, and bitterness rule for you. Of all the things I could feel in this case, I feel more pity than anything for you. Good luck babe. Those things you harbor, only hurt you.

Other than that crap- good news!! My penut can swim!! I was bursting w/ pride today when she asked me if she could swim in the deep end w/o her life jacket. :) SHE WAS GREAT!! LOVE LOVE LOVE my babies :) I have all I need. A super husband, fabulous kids, a home (2 now), a job, and a pocket full of friends that love me just as I am. I'm blessed, and thankful for it!

Wed already?

Camping was a good time. I love our annual camping weekend w/ our family. The kids have so much fun playing w/all of their cousins. We went boating, tubing, played games and ate like pigs :) We stayed in cabins. The cabins were nice, much bigger than what we're used to. This cabin had 2 sets of bunk beds, and a really tall loft w/ a full size bed for hubs and I. I was nervous about the loft w/ the kiddos. I was praying for safety all weekend. The river was super busy w/ boats as well. On the last day, my little one fell from the loft! TEN feet down, landed flat on her back on the wood floor!! AHH!! Scared the crap out of us! Thankfully, not a scratch on her, not even a bruise! Biggest fall she's ever taken, by far!

My dear friend lost her mother unexpectedly this week. I feel her grief as acutely as I feel my own :( She is my soul-sister. We are very close, and very much spiritually connected. We were baptized together. Ever since then, when matters of the spirit arise, its her I turn to. I spent the night w/ her the day her mom passed. She's been more in shock than anything else. I love her much, and feel her pain. Going to the viewing and funeral this week is going to be tough. Not only for my sweet friend, but for me as well. I'm still broken over the loss of my father. I wonder what this funeral will feel like for me?? M was with me when my dad died. She's the one that poked me to crawl in bed w/ him as he took his last breaths :( She was the first one to put her arms around me, and she prayed for me immeadiately, that I would feel God's peace in that moment, that he would wrap his arms around me. I want to be there for her in the same way that she has been here for me. We are still young- it doesn't seem right that we should be losing our parents already! I nearly lost my mama in May. I feel like I need her more now, than I ever did when I was a teenager. Now that I have my own husband, my own children, I need her guidence more than I ever did before- her advice. M feels the same. Devastating to lose a parent. Her dad passed away 11 years ago- she is only 33, and now without both of her parents. My heart aches for her. Going to be a tough week!

WOOT for Friday

I'm feeling better today. A bit. I only cried once today :) I'm going camping w/ all of my hubs family this weekend. All his brothers/sisters/parents/ and everybody's kids. I think there is 38 of us now, or close to that. I'm looking forward to spending time w/ them this weekend!!! My kids are geeked, and so am I. Nothing but relaxing, family, boating, beaching, and napping. I need it! Happy weekend to you!

I miss you

So, back to blogging. My dad passed away on June 22. I miss him terribly. I'm having a hard time getting back to life. I walk, I talk, I take care of my family, I go to work, but I'm hollow. Someone suggested that maybe writing would help. Here I am...

Daddy,
I miss you so very very much. It seems like these last few weeks have been worse. I want to hear you, your voice, your laugh. I want to see your eyes twinkle w/ mischief. I want you to hold me. I want to smell you, feel your whiskers on my cheek. I still call your home phone. Only to hear it's been disconnected, but I still do it. Uncle R is an asshole. Do you know what he did?? 2 days after you passed, he went to your house and emptied it out, never mentioning it to Josh or I. He burnt all of your things dad- anything that he didn't think he could sell, he burned them. All I have left of you are your picture, a t-shirt, your ashes, and my memories. I'm sacred that I'm going to forget you. I wish you were still here :( What's heaven like?? Was your mom surprised to see you? hehe, I just bet she was. Life is moving on for me, for all of us, but it doesn't feel the same without you. I'm thankful for the last weeks we had together. I knew you were going, that it would be soon, and I didn't leave any words or thoughts unspoken, even though you couldn't respond to me. Even in your last seconds of life daddy, I was wishing for just one more, just one more breath. I laid w/ you as you died, held your hands, and clung to you. Do you know? Did you know that we were all there w/ you? Me and Josh and Chicken, your dad, you sister. Could you hear me that afternoon? Did you hear Chicken and I laughing and talking of the time you went after Shane?? So many good times dad, so many laughs, so much love. I wish you didn't have to go. I know it was better, you were too far sick when we finally got you to the hospital- stubborn jerk, btw. I've wondered if we could have done something sooner, if we could have said something else, if there was another way that we could have made you go sooner- would you still be here? Why did you want to leave us? Was it b/c you were sad, or lonely, or unhappy? Did we disappoint you? I hope not papa. I wanted to make you proud of me, of what I've become as an adult. Were you? I feel like most of things that are good about me, came from you. From what you taught me. Being so laid back about life, not wasting time being angry, never missing an oppurtuniuty to have a good time, and loving whole-heartedly. So badly I want to hug you, to hear your voice, to hear you say you love me once more. Dad, how long will this hurt?? I want to get to the time where I can just remember you and smile, not cry and long for you. Are there really streets of gold?? Are you still dancing? I love you, and miss you much.