A little better..

I knew I was in a bad spot. I went to the doctor this week, hoping for some help. I've never been so lost. I've never been on any sort of medication. I see a grief counsoler, but that isn't enough to help me get through the day. My doctor prescribed xanix, and prozac. The prozac is for every day, an anti-depressent. The xanix is an as needed sorta thing. Like if I'm having a freak out, a panic attack, or I can't get to sleep. I'm hoping that it helps! I have a family to take care of, a house to clean, errands to run, a mama to love, a job to get to. I want the world to stop, but the truth is, it just doesn't. It goes on no matter how we feel about it. In order for me to get about my day, w/ all of the mundane, I need help. I know this isn't going to 'fix' me, or erase my sadness, but I'm sure hoping it'll make that first step out of bed in the morning, just a little easier.
I'm taking a nothing day tomorrow, and I can't wait! I'm staying in my pj's all day! My goal is to move as little as possible :) I'm turning off my phone, watching movies, and snuggling w/ my babes ALL DAY. AND I REFUSE, to feel guility about it. YES!!!!

I can't stand it.

Too much. I can't handle it. Hello nervous breakdown. I've been waiting for you. I want to quit today, just give up. I don't want to 'try'. Try to get through the day, try to put a smile on my face, pretend that its just a bit tough, but I'm going to be fine. I'm NOT fine, I'm not ok, and nothing will ever be right again. 'Hanging in there' doesn't cut it. I'm in agony! It feels as though the next loss, or diaster is just around the corner. So why try? One foot in front of the other, just a day at a time, fuck all of that. Nonsense. I don't want to mask my pain anymore to make sure I'm not making anyone else uncomfortable. And speaking of anyone, where are you?? I can't tell you how many times I've heard "i'm here for you if you need me, I can help you out, need and ear or a shoulder, I'm there" PSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHT. I am alone. I have my mama, but she's worse off than I am, and I cannot burden her w/ my grief. My husband is a man, no further explanation is neccesary. There is a lady I see, a grief counsoler, but I feel weird w/ her. I don't know anything about her, and it feels awkward to me to share w/ her this way. I am beyond myself w/ coping. I can't cope. I get up to bring my babes to school, and go back to bed as soon as I get home. I get up to pick them back up and bring them home. Then I go to work. I fake my smiles and hate my right now with each step I take. The next day, I repeat the process.
Losing my dad was horrific for me. Losing a grandpa hurt. Losing my step dad, unbelieveble! He wasn't supposed to go. He was 48, and healthy. He went to bed, and just never woke up. A friend passed away last week, at the age of 30. Cancer. I CAN'T FLIPPN' TAKE IT ANYMORE! I am out of my mind. I want to quit. To give up. To stop trying to get out of bed in the morning, and just stay put. I want to let the blackness that's been flittering around the corners of my mind take me. What is the point? As soon as my heart begins to heal, it'll just be re-broken. Such has been the pattern for the last year. Bullshit 'it'll get better'. It does NOT and HAS NOT going better. I'm one crack away from the looney bin.

More Loss

My step dad, Tony, passed away unexpectedly on Dec 31. Two daddy's, gone in 6 months.. A grandpa in Novemeber. A friend gone also too soon, this past Friday. Too much. I'm hurting. I'm a wreck. I'm not up to a long explanation of all that has happened these last few weeks, but will do so this week. I need to get it out.