Too much. I can't handle it. Hello nervous breakdown. I've been waiting for you. I want to quit today, just give up. I don't want to 'try'. Try to get through the day, try to put a smile on my face, pretend that its just a bit tough, but I'm going to be fine. I'm NOT fine, I'm not ok, and nothing will ever be right again. 'Hanging in there' doesn't cut it. I'm in agony! It feels as though the next loss, or diaster is just around the corner. So why try? One foot in front of the other, just a day at a time, fuck all of that. Nonsense. I don't want to mask my pain anymore to make sure I'm not making anyone else uncomfortable. And speaking of anyone, where are you?? I can't tell you how many times I've heard "i'm here for you if you need me, I can help you out, need and ear or a shoulder, I'm there" PSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHT. I am alone. I have my mama, but she's worse off than I am, and I cannot burden her w/ my grief. My husband is a man, no further explanation is neccesary. There is a lady I see, a grief counsoler, but I feel weird w/ her. I don't know anything about her, and it feels awkward to me to share w/ her this way. I am beyond myself w/ coping. I can't cope. I get up to bring my babes to school, and go back to bed as soon as I get home. I get up to pick them back up and bring them home. Then I go to work. I fake my smiles and hate my right now with each step I take. The next day, I repeat the process.
Losing my dad was horrific for me. Losing a grandpa hurt. Losing my step dad, unbelieveble! He wasn't supposed to go. He was 48, and healthy. He went to bed, and just never woke up. A friend passed away last week, at the age of 30. Cancer. I CAN'T FLIPPN' TAKE IT ANYMORE! I am out of my mind. I want to quit. To give up. To stop trying to get out of bed in the morning, and just stay put. I want to let the blackness that's been flittering around the corners of my mind take me. What is the point? As soon as my heart begins to heal, it'll just be re-broken. Such has been the pattern for the last year. Bullshit 'it'll get better'. It does NOT and HAS NOT going better. I'm one crack away from the looney bin.
About Me
- mistyblue3
- I'm a happily married mom of 3! I recently rejoined the work force after 8 years of being a SAHM. Now I'm REALLY trying to figure it out. Finding my balance w/ my family, my job, housework, school stuff, extra stuff, and maintain some sort of social life.. Nearly impossible.
2 comments:
Oh! Enough is enough...and I think you've had quite enough to bear already. I am SO sorry. Losing my Dad was the worst thing that has ever happened to me, I cannot imagine losing more loved ones so soon after him. I know it must feel unbearable and there is not a lot I can say to make it better. Just that you have to take it one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. Remember to breathe in and out, remember to put on foot in front of the other. Keep going through the motions and eventually the fog will clear. I'm hear if you need to vent.
Thank you Lindsey! I appreciate that!
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