I miss you

So, back to blogging. My dad passed away on June 22. I miss him terribly. I'm having a hard time getting back to life. I walk, I talk, I take care of my family, I go to work, but I'm hollow. Someone suggested that maybe writing would help. Here I am...

Daddy,
I miss you so very very much. It seems like these last few weeks have been worse. I want to hear you, your voice, your laugh. I want to see your eyes twinkle w/ mischief. I want you to hold me. I want to smell you, feel your whiskers on my cheek. I still call your home phone. Only to hear it's been disconnected, but I still do it. Uncle R is an asshole. Do you know what he did?? 2 days after you passed, he went to your house and emptied it out, never mentioning it to Josh or I. He burnt all of your things dad- anything that he didn't think he could sell, he burned them. All I have left of you are your picture, a t-shirt, your ashes, and my memories. I'm sacred that I'm going to forget you. I wish you were still here :( What's heaven like?? Was your mom surprised to see you? hehe, I just bet she was. Life is moving on for me, for all of us, but it doesn't feel the same without you. I'm thankful for the last weeks we had together. I knew you were going, that it would be soon, and I didn't leave any words or thoughts unspoken, even though you couldn't respond to me. Even in your last seconds of life daddy, I was wishing for just one more, just one more breath. I laid w/ you as you died, held your hands, and clung to you. Do you know? Did you know that we were all there w/ you? Me and Josh and Chicken, your dad, you sister. Could you hear me that afternoon? Did you hear Chicken and I laughing and talking of the time you went after Shane?? So many good times dad, so many laughs, so much love. I wish you didn't have to go. I know it was better, you were too far sick when we finally got you to the hospital- stubborn jerk, btw. I've wondered if we could have done something sooner, if we could have said something else, if there was another way that we could have made you go sooner- would you still be here? Why did you want to leave us? Was it b/c you were sad, or lonely, or unhappy? Did we disappoint you? I hope not papa. I wanted to make you proud of me, of what I've become as an adult. Were you? I feel like most of things that are good about me, came from you. From what you taught me. Being so laid back about life, not wasting time being angry, never missing an oppurtuniuty to have a good time, and loving whole-heartedly. So badly I want to hug you, to hear your voice, to hear you say you love me once more. Dad, how long will this hurt?? I want to get to the time where I can just remember you and smile, not cry and long for you. Are there really streets of gold?? Are you still dancing? I love you, and miss you much.