Drunk Dial

You know.... My biological dad is a drunk. Always has been. He and my mom separated when I was just 2. From the stories I hear, I was desperately wanted by both parents. They tried to conceive me for 4 years. I was a wanted child. I was born premature, and my parents were told I would not live through the night. I survived, obviously. You would think, or at least I would, that b/c of all that, I would matter to him. But the bottle was the only thing that his heart truly loved. As a child, and teenager, I struggled with that. How could I be so wanted, but then left aside? He was never around. Or if by chance he did call he'd promise to be there by noon, and never show up. I'd wait on the porch w/ my little bag packed, till supper, when my mom would try to soothe my broken heart. Then I'd sit by the window, convinced that he was still coming, maybe just got held up. I'd wait till bedtime, and then cry myself to sleep. This pattern continued all throughout my life. He went to jail a few years ago. By the time he went to jail, I had pretty much written him off. Knowing he was there made me sad for him. I wrote him a few letters, telling him that even though we don't have a relationship here, I would like to see him in heaven, and it wasn't too late for him to turn things around for him. He could give up drinking, get a job, etc. I urged him to think about how his life had gotten him to this point, and to change it. He wrote me many letters, asking for forgiveness, saying he knew that he never did right by me, please, can I try again, I love you, more blah blah blah. I agreed, but told myself that I wouldn't invest my whole heart into it, but I would see where it went. He stayed with hubs and I for a week when he got out of jail, and got to know my kids for the first time. I kept my guard up, but it began to slip, sooner than I thought. He stayed sober for a year. That year was a great time in my life. I finally felt wanted, and excepted. For some reason, I've always wanted him to be proud of me. Like it matters. Anyway, his girlfriend of 15 years died from a drug overdose. He had his first beer at her funeral. I tried not to be mad, after all, it was her funeral. But I knew what was to come. He's a full fledged drunk again. Within a month of her death. I try to avoid answering the phone after 6pm when he calls. He's way drunk by then. But now it's only 330, and he called all drunk and retarded. Slurring, saying stupid shit about being a secret agent, and nam rambles. He missed my birthday, again. I think the only one he really showed up for was 10 years ago. I don't know what to do about him. I don't want to be an asshole, but at the same time, C'mon. I can't force him to stop drinking. I can't make him stop. I won't allow him to be around my kids. OVER MY DEAD body will they ever be exposed to that sort of lifestyle. Its just not ok with me. There were times when he would pick me up only to bring me to a party, so I could watch people get drunk and stupid, or do drugs. One time he brought me and my brother to a bar, told us to stay in the car, and he'd be right back. He forgot about us. He came out 3 hours later, falling down the stairs. Makes my skin crawl to think about those times now. Now that I have my own children, I can't understand him at all. I would never, could never, and would protect them from that environment with my life. Empty promises and broken hearts. Those things should effect me now, I'm a grown up dammit. I don't know what to do w/ him.