A little better..

I knew I was in a bad spot. I went to the doctor this week, hoping for some help. I've never been so lost. I've never been on any sort of medication. I see a grief counsoler, but that isn't enough to help me get through the day. My doctor prescribed xanix, and prozac. The prozac is for every day, an anti-depressent. The xanix is an as needed sorta thing. Like if I'm having a freak out, a panic attack, or I can't get to sleep. I'm hoping that it helps! I have a family to take care of, a house to clean, errands to run, a mama to love, a job to get to. I want the world to stop, but the truth is, it just doesn't. It goes on no matter how we feel about it. In order for me to get about my day, w/ all of the mundane, I need help. I know this isn't going to 'fix' me, or erase my sadness, but I'm sure hoping it'll make that first step out of bed in the morning, just a little easier.
I'm taking a nothing day tomorrow, and I can't wait! I'm staying in my pj's all day! My goal is to move as little as possible :) I'm turning off my phone, watching movies, and snuggling w/ my babes ALL DAY. AND I REFUSE, to feel guility about it. YES!!!!

I can't stand it.

Too much. I can't handle it. Hello nervous breakdown. I've been waiting for you. I want to quit today, just give up. I don't want to 'try'. Try to get through the day, try to put a smile on my face, pretend that its just a bit tough, but I'm going to be fine. I'm NOT fine, I'm not ok, and nothing will ever be right again. 'Hanging in there' doesn't cut it. I'm in agony! It feels as though the next loss, or diaster is just around the corner. So why try? One foot in front of the other, just a day at a time, fuck all of that. Nonsense. I don't want to mask my pain anymore to make sure I'm not making anyone else uncomfortable. And speaking of anyone, where are you?? I can't tell you how many times I've heard "i'm here for you if you need me, I can help you out, need and ear or a shoulder, I'm there" PSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHT. I am alone. I have my mama, but she's worse off than I am, and I cannot burden her w/ my grief. My husband is a man, no further explanation is neccesary. There is a lady I see, a grief counsoler, but I feel weird w/ her. I don't know anything about her, and it feels awkward to me to share w/ her this way. I am beyond myself w/ coping. I can't cope. I get up to bring my babes to school, and go back to bed as soon as I get home. I get up to pick them back up and bring them home. Then I go to work. I fake my smiles and hate my right now with each step I take. The next day, I repeat the process.
Losing my dad was horrific for me. Losing a grandpa hurt. Losing my step dad, unbelieveble! He wasn't supposed to go. He was 48, and healthy. He went to bed, and just never woke up. A friend passed away last week, at the age of 30. Cancer. I CAN'T FLIPPN' TAKE IT ANYMORE! I am out of my mind. I want to quit. To give up. To stop trying to get out of bed in the morning, and just stay put. I want to let the blackness that's been flittering around the corners of my mind take me. What is the point? As soon as my heart begins to heal, it'll just be re-broken. Such has been the pattern for the last year. Bullshit 'it'll get better'. It does NOT and HAS NOT going better. I'm one crack away from the looney bin.

More Loss

My step dad, Tony, passed away unexpectedly on Dec 31. Two daddy's, gone in 6 months.. A grandpa in Novemeber. A friend gone also too soon, this past Friday. Too much. I'm hurting. I'm a wreck. I'm not up to a long explanation of all that has happened these last few weeks, but will do so this week. I need to get it out.

Shit shit shit!

It is nearly 6, and I have friends coming over at 7... Guess what I have done? NOT A THING! Ha! Yep, house is a mess, I haven't cooked, I'm in my pj's, kids are unfed. Oops. Perhaps I should cancel??? Yikes! Need to power up and get shit done, like now! Wish me luck!

Dreams

I dreamt about my dad last night. It was upsetting....

I was in my grandma's house, which for some reason, happen to be mine. Chicken was over (my bff and SIL) w/ my nefew, and my kids were also running around. I had a 'feeling' that my dad was around.. I could sense him or something, and saw things around the yard that just had to be his, but I couldn't find him. Random dreamness continues... I walked around the corner of my house, outside of course, and there he was! Standing, handsome, healthy. I ran to him and wrapped my arms around his neck, crying, and sooooooooooooooooooo happy to see him, to hug him, feel his big strong solid form, and smell his special smell. He was the same. Well, when he was healthy. He felt the same, his laugh and smile were the same, the twinkle in his eye, all my daddy, and all there for me to cling to. I was ecstatic! But then, I got angry, super crazy angry. I started pounding on him w/ my fists, screaming, tears of anguish, and yelling "WHY DID YOU PRETEND TO DIE!? WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?! DO YOU KNOW HOW I'VE SUFFERED??!!! I LOVE YOU! I MISS YOU! YOU'VE BEEN HERE, ALL ALONG, YOU LEFT ME ALONE!!!!! WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?!!!?!!????" More screaming,crying, punching insued. Until this HUGE wolf, the exact colors of a skunk, came flying out the woods, teeth nashing, trying to eat my childern, my nefew, me and chicken. I ran around to the other side, to save my children (moments really).. when all was ok, I went back to talk to my dad. I had come to my senses. I didn't want to be angry. I wanted to talk to him, hold him, love him, talk to him...... but, he was gone. I couldn't find him again :( I woke up at that point, bawling. Sad, greiving, alone, in this world once again without him, and hurting like I did when he first passed. I cried all day today. Man, daddy, I miss you. I want so very much for you to come back again, if only in my dreams, where at least I can touch you, smell you, feel that all-consuming comfort, protection, safe. Safe. Loved. Warm. Feel like I'm still 4, and you're the only one in the world who can fix whatever it is that happens to be broken. I miss you so much. Days like today, I long for you. I feel so lost with out you.
I've been feeling like I'm moving forward with my grief process. That I'm ok, I'm going to be ok. I still have sad times, but it doesn't devistate me. Psssssssshhhhhhhhhhht. Then along come my dream, and here I am, in the throws of fresh grief, all over again. I just love you. I miss you. I miss your twinkle, your big belly laugh, your smell. Your funny crazy stories. Your wisdom. It was too soon for you to go. I wish you were still here. How desperately I want to talk to you! Hear you laugh.. I had a moment of panic recently. I couldn't remember the exact sound of your laugh. Thankfully, I heard it in my dream last night, yep that was it. A blessing! I don't want to forget. Miss you much daddy. Love you always.

I'm not witty enough for a title today.

Jade's fever was off and on this weekend. She seemed fine this morning, so I sent her off to school. When I picked her up, her teacher told me that she wasn't feeling well, again! I brought her in today, she has a double ear infection! A bad one! She hasn't complained about her ears hurting at all! Poor love :( Makes me feel like a shit mom. I should have brought her in sooner. Hoping those hefty antibotics will work their magic!
I went to the gym this morning. I didn't want to go, haven't been feeling motivated AT ALL. But I've been complaining plenty about the weight I've put on.. That chub isn't going to disappear all on its own. I did 2 ( i know right! WOW) classes this morning. I'm super proud of myself. I did cardio sculpt followed by pilates. I've never done pilates before. It doesn't look like much, but hot damn! I thought I was gonna puke for a minute!
The weekend was good. Work was outrageously busy! Next weekend is going to be busier-first weekend of Art Prize. People are going to be out in force. I'm not looking forward to getting my ass kicked, but the money will be nice :) We stayed at the cabin again this past weekend. We're getting alot done! I can't believe how much there is to do- and it's such a small place. I LOVE being there. We'll be up there this weekend as well. The long drive back and forth to work sorta sucks (45 min), but worth it. We have soooooooooooo much more to do before the snow comes.
It's my nephew's bday today. Big 4 year old!! My kids (minus Jade) can't wait to celebrate w/ him. Hoping for a nice night w/ hangin' out w/ the family.

I love you blogger.

I went back and read some of my posts from 4 years ago. I used to post daily- just about my everyday life as a stay at home mom. I'm glad I have it!! It's great. I really need to try to post more often :)

I started therapy last week. I'm hoping it will help me get over my grief. I'm still suffering, and crying regularly. My joy has disappered, and I can't wait to get it back. I want to be normal again!

I had breakfast w/ some friends this morning. So good to see them! I felt like a retard though, not having much to add to the conversation... Jade is sick :( At least I think so. She's been complaining of a headache/tummy aches since just before school got out. She's moaning quite a bit, and wants me next to her at all times. Poor babe! Whatever it is, I hope its gone soon!

I have shit tons of laundry to finish, grocery shopping to do, and I need to pack for the weekend. We're heading up to the cabin. I'll join my family after i get out of work tonight. Sort of hard to get anything done w/ a sad babes though. Here's to hoping my hubs won't kill me if I don't get it all done on time...

in hopes of riding my insomina...

I was so excited to go to bed last night. All the babes were tucked in, the house was quiet, and it was only 930! Perfect! I could get some much needed rest, or NOT. BOO! Couldn't sleep a wink! I was awake until 5-effing am! BLEH. So, in trying to avoid such nonsense from occuring again, I'm going to word puke. Hopefully my brain will spew out all that's in it, so I can rest, peacefully!

Lots of stuff going on this week. The loan came through for us, so we can buy my dad's house! YAY! When my parents were married, and I was young, they bought a cottage/cabin. An hour north of home, small place, no indoor plumbing, on a few acres. We spent all of our weekends there, and most of our summers. When my parents divorced, my dad decided that he was going to LIVE there, and let my mom keep our house. He never left. He put in plumbing, bathroom, re-did the inside w/ weathered barn wood. I have soooo many good memories from there. Not only of when we were still a family, but one on one time w/ my pops. I'm thrilled that we are going to keep it! At first, I was worried that I wouldn't be able to be there. That it would bring me more sadness than anything, with him gone. Hubs and I went to visit the week after dad died. It made me happy. I felt safe, warm, secure, and loved. I knew then that it would be great, that it would be, could be well. We are spending our first night up there tomorrow w/ our kids. I'm ecstatic, but a little nervous too. I haven't slept there in years, and never w/o my dad. I hope I still feel all of those warm fuzzies as I lie in bed there....

I had a falling out w/ a gf this week. Psht. Gay. She got WAY more out of a text that I had sent to her, than was really there. She didn't ask me about it - in fact she just plain wouldn't speak to me. She sent me an email saying she's done w/ me. Super, knock yourself out lady. I was there for you, and didn't do as you requested not only b/c I wasn't comfortable w/ it, but b/c I was worried about your name being dragged in the mud- I didn't want to do that, and wouldn't. But did you ask why? Did you answer my call so I could explain?? Nope. You just decided that you knew all about what was in my heart, why I chose as I did, what my thoughts were. I'm just not gonna do it. I'm not going to go out of my way to explain myself, or defend myself when you have already decided who I am. Are you wrong, hell yes! Am I going to fix it, and let you see how much of an ass you are?? Hell no. If you're always going to think the worst of me, you don't deserve me. It hurts a little. Not like it did the first time this sort of thing happened- that nearly ripped me in half, but this- not so bad. I understand now. Mistrust, anger, and bitterness rule for you. Of all the things I could feel in this case, I feel more pity than anything for you. Good luck babe. Those things you harbor, only hurt you.

Other than that crap- good news!! My penut can swim!! I was bursting w/ pride today when she asked me if she could swim in the deep end w/o her life jacket. :) SHE WAS GREAT!! LOVE LOVE LOVE my babies :) I have all I need. A super husband, fabulous kids, a home (2 now), a job, and a pocket full of friends that love me just as I am. I'm blessed, and thankful for it!

Wed already?

Camping was a good time. I love our annual camping weekend w/ our family. The kids have so much fun playing w/all of their cousins. We went boating, tubing, played games and ate like pigs :) We stayed in cabins. The cabins were nice, much bigger than what we're used to. This cabin had 2 sets of bunk beds, and a really tall loft w/ a full size bed for hubs and I. I was nervous about the loft w/ the kiddos. I was praying for safety all weekend. The river was super busy w/ boats as well. On the last day, my little one fell from the loft! TEN feet down, landed flat on her back on the wood floor!! AHH!! Scared the crap out of us! Thankfully, not a scratch on her, not even a bruise! Biggest fall she's ever taken, by far!

My dear friend lost her mother unexpectedly this week. I feel her grief as acutely as I feel my own :( She is my soul-sister. We are very close, and very much spiritually connected. We were baptized together. Ever since then, when matters of the spirit arise, its her I turn to. I spent the night w/ her the day her mom passed. She's been more in shock than anything else. I love her much, and feel her pain. Going to the viewing and funeral this week is going to be tough. Not only for my sweet friend, but for me as well. I'm still broken over the loss of my father. I wonder what this funeral will feel like for me?? M was with me when my dad died. She's the one that poked me to crawl in bed w/ him as he took his last breaths :( She was the first one to put her arms around me, and she prayed for me immeadiately, that I would feel God's peace in that moment, that he would wrap his arms around me. I want to be there for her in the same way that she has been here for me. We are still young- it doesn't seem right that we should be losing our parents already! I nearly lost my mama in May. I feel like I need her more now, than I ever did when I was a teenager. Now that I have my own husband, my own children, I need her guidence more than I ever did before- her advice. M feels the same. Devastating to lose a parent. Her dad passed away 11 years ago- she is only 33, and now without both of her parents. My heart aches for her. Going to be a tough week!

WOOT for Friday

I'm feeling better today. A bit. I only cried once today :) I'm going camping w/ all of my hubs family this weekend. All his brothers/sisters/parents/ and everybody's kids. I think there is 38 of us now, or close to that. I'm looking forward to spending time w/ them this weekend!!! My kids are geeked, and so am I. Nothing but relaxing, family, boating, beaching, and napping. I need it! Happy weekend to you!

I miss you

So, back to blogging. My dad passed away on June 22. I miss him terribly. I'm having a hard time getting back to life. I walk, I talk, I take care of my family, I go to work, but I'm hollow. Someone suggested that maybe writing would help. Here I am...

Daddy,
I miss you so very very much. It seems like these last few weeks have been worse. I want to hear you, your voice, your laugh. I want to see your eyes twinkle w/ mischief. I want you to hold me. I want to smell you, feel your whiskers on my cheek. I still call your home phone. Only to hear it's been disconnected, but I still do it. Uncle R is an asshole. Do you know what he did?? 2 days after you passed, he went to your house and emptied it out, never mentioning it to Josh or I. He burnt all of your things dad- anything that he didn't think he could sell, he burned them. All I have left of you are your picture, a t-shirt, your ashes, and my memories. I'm sacred that I'm going to forget you. I wish you were still here :( What's heaven like?? Was your mom surprised to see you? hehe, I just bet she was. Life is moving on for me, for all of us, but it doesn't feel the same without you. I'm thankful for the last weeks we had together. I knew you were going, that it would be soon, and I didn't leave any words or thoughts unspoken, even though you couldn't respond to me. Even in your last seconds of life daddy, I was wishing for just one more, just one more breath. I laid w/ you as you died, held your hands, and clung to you. Do you know? Did you know that we were all there w/ you? Me and Josh and Chicken, your dad, you sister. Could you hear me that afternoon? Did you hear Chicken and I laughing and talking of the time you went after Shane?? So many good times dad, so many laughs, so much love. I wish you didn't have to go. I know it was better, you were too far sick when we finally got you to the hospital- stubborn jerk, btw. I've wondered if we could have done something sooner, if we could have said something else, if there was another way that we could have made you go sooner- would you still be here? Why did you want to leave us? Was it b/c you were sad, or lonely, or unhappy? Did we disappoint you? I hope not papa. I wanted to make you proud of me, of what I've become as an adult. Were you? I feel like most of things that are good about me, came from you. From what you taught me. Being so laid back about life, not wasting time being angry, never missing an oppurtuniuty to have a good time, and loving whole-heartedly. So badly I want to hug you, to hear your voice, to hear you say you love me once more. Dad, how long will this hurt?? I want to get to the time where I can just remember you and smile, not cry and long for you. Are there really streets of gold?? Are you still dancing? I love you, and miss you much.

O MY!

What a pain in the ass.. I haven't been here in at least a year or so. I forgot my password/email that I used, couldn't figure it out! Hoops all morning :( BUT alas, I've finally figured it all out!

it's been a BUSY year. It was a rough year, w/ plenty of highs, and lows. Thank you Jesus that it's worked out as well as it has!

My kids are growing like WEEDS! Makes me sad. I can't believe that they're all so big! I've gone back to work, which is awesome. I work at Chicken's family's resturant- and I'm loving it. Still at Marriot as well, but I'm hardly ever there. I work 4 days a week. The extra money is fantastic. I can't remember how my hubs and I ever made it when I didn't work!

I've missed you bloggers. Are any of you still out there??

Grammy's, snow days, and nonsense

Did any of you watch the grammy's last night?? I heard on the news that Micheal Jackson performed?? I didn't see that- and I'm pretty sure I saw all of it... anyone?? Aretha Franklin was looking rough :( She sounded different to me too.. Alicia Keys was fan-flippn'-tastic! I love her! I like the Beyonce and Tina performance as too! Awesome! Although Tina looks like a tranny... Her face didn't move, at all! Chill on the botox! And, does little richard EVER age?? Ever? He looks exactly the same, which just isn't normal! How old is that guy? He must be what... 120ish??? Overall, I really liked the grammy's. I thought they did a good job. Oh, and yay for amy winehouse! I hope she continues to clean her act up. I love her voice, I think she could do some really cool stuff, but NOT as a crack whore...
Guess what?? We have another snow day. Another snow day.... What on Earth?? I can't remember EVER in my life, having as many snow days as my kids have. Today is number 6. And I'm betting that, based on what they are saying, that tomorrow will also be a snow day.. I wonder when this starts effecting when they get out of school?? The school that my kids go to has an automated calling system- so when we have a snow day, school calls around 6am. Hubs and I both slept through the call. I stayed in bed until I absolutely HAD to get up. Got the kids up, got them breakfest.. woke Jade up. shoot! Then I thought to look at the phone. Cripe! I woke the whole house up when we could have slept peacefully for who knows how much longer! boo!
I'm finally not feeling terrible! WOOO! I'm stir crazy! I was home all week last week, unless I had to work. I didn't go visit anyone, I didn't run any errands. I MUST get out of here tonight!! :) I've got cabin fever! My grandma is also better! Thanks for your prayers. She's not 100% yet, but I know she'll get better now. It was a bit scary for awhile there.
And some nonsense... If your name is Jeff, why spell is GEOFF? gay. don't do that. Same w/ Shawn. SEAN does not sound like sh-a-wn.. There is WAY too much of this stuff in the english language! Silent e's, k's- no wonder my daughter is having a hard time figuring it out! Why can't knife be nife?? hmmm? Who came up w/ the idea that a slient K would make all the difference w/ that word?? Not to mention all of the other silly k words... PH too. pssshhhht. Pharmacy should very well start out farm... It doesn't make any sense. I mean really. Who decides this stuff??

Adventure Nipplegate

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Adventure Nipplegate.
Current mood: adventurous


Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, I had a super terrible day on Friday. Rotten awful day! Everything went wrong, and my lovely babies were driving me crazy! I needed to get out, WAY out! My new friend invited me out, and offered to drive! YAY! I was thrilled to be getting out! We went to see Pop Evil at the Intersection. I've never been there, nor have I ever seen P.E. It was FUN! However, I consumed more alcohol than was neccessary. oops. Talked WAY too much. What a retard! Geez! Sometimes I can't help myself. I really need to NOT do that. Shut-up! I got elbowed in the eye by some burly dude in the mosh pit. No, I wasn't in the mosh pit, at least not on purpose.. So i was talking to the big dude about where he throws his elbows, and he put his arm around me. I thought it was going to be one of those 1/2 hug shoulder pat things, but oooooo no. Nope. He picked me up w/o any notice, and threw me in the air. Yes indeed, crowd surfing I went. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee! That was unexpected super fun. However, when the bouncer at the front caught me, very serious faced and burly as well, he says as he puts me down "you might want to tuck in your nipple before you go back out" AHHHHHHHHHHHH! HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!! That DID NOT just happen! HAHA! Oh NO! My girl was showing! ah! ah! eeks! hahahaha! Friggn terrible, but funny at the same time. New lesson kids, crowd surfing is fun, but only in a turtle neck. Not that I had the option to choose at that moment.

Thanks my super cool new friends! I had a blast, and a hangover to prove it. I'd like to do that again sometime.. maybe next year.. or the year after...

Friday was a really good time. I needed to get out, to do something different, let my hair down a bit. I had a blast! However, I'm in trouble for it now :( The girl that I went with, is my buddy's x gf. Me and R are tight, close like siblings. He's pissed at me for hanging out w/ her! ah! Like mad enough to write me off. Fine. I'm just really done w/ this sort of nonsense. On the one hand, I can sort of see why he'd feel that way. Not that he asked me about it at all- but he could have possibly seen it as a betrayal. They didn't have an evil break up at all- they just didn't get along, and couldn't get along, nothing horrible. I hung out w/ her once, and now I'm an asshole? I dont get it. We've been friends for YEARS! Me and R- 16 as a matter of fact..I was talking to my hubs about it yesterday, and he was saying that I should prlly pick a side. I don't want to, isn't that sort of juvenile? It seems like it to me. I've done nothing but be nice to to the both of them, but I'm a jerk? That nonsense has been happening all around me lately. Another situation w/ friends were some bad behavior occured. I wasn't around when said events took place, but her bf was upset w/ me that I didn't babysit. WHAT? Are you guys kidding me? Why am I resposible for YOUR issues?? My priority is to my hubs, and to my family, and I'm feeling very close to telling the rest of the world to fuck off. Can't I just like whom I going to like?? Anyone else's choice have NOTHING to do with me. Not my fault. I'm just sick of it. And sad about it. Not too long ago, this lady had a crush on my hubs, or so it seemed, and w/ no encourgement from him ofcourse. She was having marital problems, and got into the habbit of calling my hubs. He had to ask her to stop calling, b/c it was weird. I was not concerned about her, or worried in any way. But her hubs decided to try to tell me that he knew for a fact, that this woman was having an affair w/ my hubs, and even my brother knew about it. WTF? Crazy son of a bitch. He ended up pulling a gun on his wife and getting into trouble. Once again, we became a target- we hardly knew them at all. Why is this happening? My hubs and I have an almost perfect relationship- we get along fantastically, and going on 9 years of marriage, we still really like each other, and more in love than ever. What is going on w/ the people around us??
Ugh. Blah! Other than the random rotten problems around us, we're great! We've been having CRAZY weather! Blizzards, ice storms, and really random warm days, where everything melts, only to refreeze the next day w/ aanother ice storm. Like today, and yesterday. All the snow is melting, I think we got 5 inches sunday night, now, all gone, or close too. It's been in the low 40's- we have flood warnings. Now to night, we're suppose to get another blizzard. So now all the wet we have, will freeze, and then be covered in snow. NOT good for road conditions, at all. In the last 2 weeks of school, 4 of those days have been snow days! I can't remember ever (even when I was in school) having that many snow days so close together! With the weather, and all the snow days, my kids have been a little stir crazy. Cabin fever has hit... Little testy around here. This week so far has been better. I hope it continues.. I wouldn't be surprised if we were to get another snow day tomorrow though. I'll have to let you know how it goes!

Blah.

I'm at work...again.. Seems like i've been here alot lately. It's hard getting used to it. I've basically been out of the work force for nearly 8 years. I like working, but I'm missing being at home today. I want to get caught up on stuff, and play w/ my babies :) The weekend has been boring for the most part. I was going to go play cards on Friday night, but it didn't pan out. Hubs decided to try and fix the van. It wasn't as easy as he thought it would be, and we ended up not being able to use the car at all friday night, so at home I sat. I stayed up late to watch "the blue lagoon". Do you remember that movie? I LOVED that movie when I was younger, but I haven't watched it in 20 years or so. I was all excited to see it, and geez, that movie is cheesy! hehe. Funny how your perspective on things change as you get older. I did end up going to play poker on saturday, but it sucked. Not a winner. It was nice to be out and about though. I fell asleep early last night, but I kept waking up! Each time I woke up, it was one of those spasm-jerky wake ups. You know, where your arms and legs shoot out all tensed up? I must have been having creepy dreams or something. Today we went to church, came home and made lunch, then came to work. Pretty not-exciting. Kids go back to school tomorrow. I'm a bit sad about it. I'm not ready for them to go back. I'm not ready to get back to the waking up early thing, and homework fight each night. Ugh, and cub scouts. boo! It just wasn't long enough.. How many weeks until spring break?? Too many, I'm sure. I'm not looking forward to this week...

Skeleton in my closet..

When I was younger, I was sort of wild... I did lots of things I shouldn't have. Parties, drinks, drugs, rock n roll, and of course, sex. I've had an interesting life thus far. I wish I wouldn't have made some of the choices I did, but on the other hand, at least I'll never die thinking "man, I wish I would have". At this place in my life, I'm embarrassed of my history. It's not something you gab about w/ other mom's on playdates you know. My long time friends and hubs are aware of all the places I've been, before I became mom. It's not a secret, it's just there. Sitting in the dark, in the back of the closet. I met up w/ a gf last night for a few drinks and some karaoke :) If you're wondering, I sang Otis Redding, and Ella Fitzgerald :) Anyway, there's this dude across the bar, and he looks familiar.. I couldn't place it though, but there was that "feeling". You know, the one that makes you want to duck and hide your face, 'just in case'. Okay, I suppose that doesn't happen to everyone, but you get what I mean. As soon as I heard his name, I remembered. Clearly. EWwwwwwwwwww! I completely had a super steamy one night stand w/ that guy, 12 years ago! AH! Gross! Yeah, that sucked. He had no idea who I was, nor was I going to go out of my way to make my presence known. That creeps me out! I don't like being faced w/ the skeletons in my closet! Boooo. I would be perfectly content if those dirty little secrets stayed put, never again to jump out at me like that, completely unexpected like. The rest of the night was pretty uneventful, but a good time all around. Oh, my van's acting up! The heat isn't working right, and it keeps getting into the hot zone on the overheating gage thingy.. Whatever it is, I just hope it isn't expensive. Hubs is going to bring it in sat to get it checked out. Until then, I'm homebound. woo! I'm glad to be home bound for a bit. Enough of this running around shit!

Work, again. ugh.

I'm back at work today. As if my 12 1/2 hours wasn't enough yesterday. gag. I'm still s l e e p y. At least I can read in peace here, w/o kids jumping all over me. I was hoping today I could hang out at home all day, and catch up on laundry and cleaning.. Not so much. My kids were going a bit stir crazy. I'm feeling a bit guilty for not spending too much time w/ them lately. So I took them out for lunch today, and to the mall. I didn't bring J's stroller today. First time ever going to the mall w/o a stroller. eekksss! She stayed by me, she didn't run off or anything. She just walked so effing s l o w! I think that makes me just as crazy as if she were to run all over the place. Man! I've got things to do! Who has time to just putt... along...... like.......a......snail....when......there....are.....places.....to....go...and.....people......to.....s..e...e........ bleak! boo! hehe. It's ok. I made it through. And I only turned red a little bit :) Enjoy your day all!

Where's my Trophy??

Where’s my trophy??

I'm cool. Like super cool. Guess what happened this fantastic morning??????? I fell asleep on the couch last night, and never made it to bed. My hubs didn't think to wake me up this morning when he left for work either, which means, I OVERSLEPT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHH!! I woke up to Avery yelling out the window "no, were not going to school yet. My mom forgot to wake up" Effing perfect! EEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKSSSSSSSSSS! oops. shit. She was yelling that to the carpool lady, the mom that's perfect. You know, always together, always has make-up on, and I bet she never raises her voice, or has a messy house. boo. oops. I suck. So really, where's my mom of the year trophy???? I can't figure out where the sonofabitch is..... :)

Happy Birthday my Avery.

Happy Birthday my Avery :)


awww. My girl turned 6 today... I'm always a little sad when one of my kids turns another year older :( She's just that much closer to not needing me anymore. sigh...

Dear Avery,

Happy Birthday to my precious baby. I'm so proud of you, and all you've accomplished in your 6 years. You're such a kind, caring, helpful, funny, beautiful and considerate girl. I love how you LOVE to help me. Folding laundry, unloading the dishwasher, looking after Jade. I love how you're learning to read! You're soooo smart! You've enriched and blessed mommy and daddy's lives. You're an important part of our family. I love to watch you sleep. I love to watch you color. Your imagination is limitless, and I pray your life will be also. I thank God for you daily, and I pray that you will follow his path, all the days of your life. I love you w/ all of me. Happy Birthday tootie :)



Love,

Mommy

Sad Mama

sad mama

SO...... I dropped Max and Avery off at school this morning... I was ok w/ dropping off Max, you know, big second grader and all, but my little Avery.... booo hooooo hoooooo! Kindergarten! Oh my! This morning, I thought I'd be ok, I'm tough. Sort of sick of them fighting, school will be GREAT for them. I get there, drop Max off to his teacher w/ a kiss, and a have a great day! Oh, and mind your manners. Get Avery to her little line.. The kindergartener's line up outside w/ their teacher, and wait together until the whole class arrives. Then they file in, with their shiny new shoes and backpacks. Cute little buggers. My plan was to hang out until their line went in. I couldn't do it. I started to get all emotional, and tears started to form. I had to quick give her a hug and a kiss, and get out of there before I really started to bawl! She could see that I was starting to cry, and looked alarmed. I didn't want to upset her, or freak her out. I told her I was fine, very proud of her, love you, be good, and have a really great day! Then I had to run. I didn't get more than a few steps away before the tears really came. I was crying my face off! And wouldn't you know I ran into at least 10 folks I knew on the way out. Good Grief. I'm such a softie. I can't believe she's 5, and in kindergarten! It went tooooooo fast! Where'd my baby go?? I'm so sad this morning :( I'm excited for her, but MAN, it's tough to let her go. Big new school.... New teacher. Oh dear. I wonder how awful I'll feel when my youngest gets there?? I had a hard time when Max went too. She'll be fine, I know. It's going to be great, I know. She's going to make new friends, and learn to read and write, I know. But the mother's heart in me broke a bit more this morning.